This girl can’t

It’s been a funny weekend.  A lot has happened and I have gone from a massive high on Saturday to a crushing low on Sunday.  I am now just lazing about in some sort of bleeeurghhhh mood being generally unproductive.

Thankfully my baby is still ok, which is the important thing and is what I am clinging to while I feel a bit down.

I wrote the other day about how this pregnancy has been totally different from the last one.  I have been a lot more ill generally and have had a few scares with cramping and bleeding, even ending up in hospital twice.

On Saturday morning a scan showed that my placenta is currently lying quite low and I had haemorrhaged just above my cervix, hence the bleeding.  The sonographer was not particularly worried, but said it would be something that would need to be monitored.  She also said if I had any further bleeding I needed to go straight to hospital to get checked out.

Following the excitement of the scan and knowing our baby was still ok, I spent the rest of Saturday preparing for the Great North Run the next day (it’s amazing how much you need to do: fill out all the forms and ICE information, get your running kit ready (clothes, gels, energy sweets etc), get bags ready for the end of the race (warm clothes and food!), make an iPod playlist, make sure you’ve got your parking permit and change for the bus etc etc).  With the hubby’s family coming up to support us at the race, and my family being on babysitting duty, we were both on quite a high that day!

I had been nervous about the race the week beforehand, as (in addition to the bleeding and cramping) I had been fighting a chest infection and had been sick at least once a day for the past few weeks.  On the afternoon before the race however, I was feeling much better and was still on a high from our scan.  I felt really excited for the next day and couldn’t wait to be part of such an amazing race and team (and, of course, get to the finish line!!!).  As a result of my bleeding and general ‘post pregnancy and c section’ state, I’d already decided that I wasn’t going to overly push myself and would only jog/walk the course, so in a way I felt less pressure than ever.

IMG_7090
The running vest I sadly never got to wear!

On Saturday night Baby Flat went to bed at a respectable time and I managed to get to sleep by 10:30pm.  Suddenly at midnight I woke up feeling horrendous and needing to vomit.  I proceeded to spend the next 5 hours in the bathroom being ill and getting more and more distressed as it became clear that I was not going to be well enough to do the race.  With every hour that passed, I would think “If I can just get 4 hours sleep/3 hours sleep/2 hours sleep I can still do it”.  Sadly, even when the vomiting stopped I simply felt drained and couldn’t get to sleep.

Instead of racing the Great North Run yesterday, I spent the day cuddled up on the sofa in floods of tears.  It turns out that, sadly, this girl can’t*.

It sounds melodramatic, and my dad kindly pointed out that I needed to “get over it and move on” ( true, but he could have waited another day or two to say that! He’s just so British…).  But the event had just meant so much to me.

None of my friends get it.  They have said that it’s “just a race” and that my “health comes first” and “there will be other races”.  Which is all completely true and is probably exactly what I would be saying if the roles were reversed.  But it’s what the race represented to me.  It was partly being able to run for an amazing charity and be able to honour of D & A (our friends who have just had a stillbirth) and all my friends and family who have had miscarriages.  But it was also partly to prove to myself that I can achieve something and do something to be proud of.  While the last 11 months with Baby Flat have been the happiest of my life, in other ways I have had a horrible 18 months (dealing with discrimination, losing my job and not even getting interviewed for other jobs (a post for another day), gaining so much weight and losing all my fitness).  I just wanted to feel like I was starting to get back to where I used to be.

So now I just feel very sad.  I know this will pass in a few days and I am acutely aware of how much I have to be grateful for.  I also know that this little disappointment doesn’t even compare to stuff many people across the world are dealing with right now!  But sometimes you just need to wallow a little.

I am trying to be positive and think about what I can do to mentally bounce back from this little blip.  As 2018 will hopefully be a no-go for competitive training (as I am expecting Baby Flat the Second in February), I am thinking that maybe in 2019 I need to go bigger and better than my current goal of the Great North Run and sign up for a few half marathons! (The obvious option is to sign up for a marathon, but my knees and hips would die at the mere thought!!!).

What have others done to make themselves feel better after a series of setbacks? Maybe I can take inspiration from you!

Today I still feel quite subdued about the race, but I am focussing much more on the good things.  As I have said time and time again (and I will stop in future posts as it really does come across as sanctimonious wishy washy cr*p), I will never stop being grateful to have Baby Flat and that I get to spend so much time with him while he’s little.

I am also thankful that Baby Flat the Second is doing well.  To end on some happy news, at our scan on Saturday we found out that we are expecting a little girl! We are both over the moon about this. We would genuinely have been happy either way (I could not love Baby Flat any more, so would happily welcome another little boy), but it is so exciting knowing and being able to picture things a little more and be able to refer to our baby is “she” rather that “it”.

To be honest, I already highly suspected it was a girl, as this pregnancy has been so different.  I wonder if there is any merit in these ‘old wives tales’?


*A reference for my fellow Brits.  I’m a big fan of the ‘This Girl Can’campaign, which encourages women of all ages, sizes and abilities to just get out and get active and have fun!

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2 thoughts on “This girl can’t

  1. I can understand how much that race meant to you, I’m so sorry you didn’t get to do it 😔

    I too feel like my body has gone to pots, now almost 8mths postpartum it’s not just thatand pregnancy, it’s the pre-pregnancy IVF stimming that’s added to all of it and that sucks!!!! I feel like it’s been years since this girl can!!

    Congratulations on girl baby flat! 🍾💕. So lovely!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks Dani x x x

    Oh, I can only imagine how much all the IVF took it out of you. It’s funny, with pregnancy, I always assumed you just got fat and then lost weight and everything was the same. I didn’t realise how much everything gets messed around internally, and how you suddenly develop all these aches and pains 😀 I hope you feel a little bit more normal soon!

    Awww thank you. We are both really excited x x x

    Like

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