As of today I am 13 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I still cannot believe that I can actually write that! Since about 6 weeks I have had no symptoms at all, except extreme tiredness and a weight gain of 12lbs (f*cking hell).
We have started telling a few more people, not just immediate family and those friends we would need to rely on if things went wrong. Obviously everything is heavily caveated and we always give the obligatory warnings about nothing being certain and requesting that people don’t post stuff on Facebook. But we are starting to tell people and act like this could maybe actually happen.
As of this weekend, both my aunts now know. I was nervous about telling my aunt on my dad’s side (his sister) as she is quite an emotional person and I know she would be heartbroken if something went wrong. While I don’t know for certain, I am fairly sure that they wanted children and couldn’t have them, so I’m sure they would understand the enormity of it all and the pain we would feel if we lose our baby. (Incidentally, I now cringe when I think of all the times my brother and I went to theirs as kids and repeatedly asked them why they didn’t have children. Urghhhhh.)
My aunt on my mum’s side is much more clued up. I had told her about our problems after I had a full on breakdown at her grandchild’s christening and thought I should probably explain why I was a hysterical mess, rather than partaking in the mandatory baby worship like everyone else. She was lovely and extremely understanding about the whole thing.
Things have always been a bit difficult with her daughter. It is not really my place to go into detail about what she is like, but in short, to say that she has “challenging behaviour” is an understatement. Her parents worked their arses off to send her to a decent school and allow her to try a load of activities and experiences (which neither of them had) and were incredibly supportive of her. She essentially repaid them by going off the rails and flunking all of her exams and doing nothing but going out and drinking and doing bad things with bad people.
Anyway, about 18 months ago we all found out she was pregnant. She had just turned 21, had only been with her partner for a few months and apparently didn’t even realise she was pregnant until she was nearly 3 months gone. Obviously that was quite a hard pill to swallow when BT and I had been saving for years to be in the best position to raise a child and had taken an active decision to try for a child and found that it wasn’t working. Over the course of her pregnancy and the first year+ of the child’s life, she has been incredibly obnoxious about the whole thing (OTT Facebook posts; a “mummy blog” about her parenting choices which essentially just slams those that don’t have children as “not knowing what’s important” and slagging off mums who go back to work; angry messages to people who haven’t bought her child a birthday/Christmas card/presents, yet she has never once bought any of us a card/present etc). She’s just been generally insufferable since falling pregnant (thank you so much, for Facebook unfollow!).
So this weekend my mum called my aunt to tell her our happy news. My aunt was absolutely delighted for us and sent me a lovely message of congratulations. Then dropped the bombshell to my mum that my cousin’s pregnant again…and she’s due less than two weeks after me.
Oh FFS!!! I know it doesn’t matter as long as our baby is healthy, but FFS. I thought we were in the clear from another baby bomb from them, as they’re getting married this summer. Now I’m going to be bombarded with updates from her when I just want to keep my head down and avoid the world and get through the next 6 months.
I know I sound harsh, but the thing is, we have nothing in common and our pregnancies will be nothing alike. She had no interest in me prior to me getting pregnant (in the last 2 years, all she’s ever said to me is “Why haven’t you two had children yet?”) but now that I am, I know she will just use this as an opportunity to steer the conversation to pregnancy, and then to her pregnancies and her opinions on pregnancies and motherhood, and then ultimately just on to her child.
She will never be able to comprehend that BT and I have battled to get this far and wake up every day terrified that this dream will all end. We are now planning and budgeting and are trying to work out how the hell we are going to pay for this baby once I go back to work. She fell pregnant accidentally the first time and then for this second kid she must have fallen pregnant as soon as she started trying. She gave up work as soon as she fell pregnant and the pair of them just get their parents to pay for pretty much everything (and trust me, they don’t accept the cheap stuff!). There is just no common ground, and she has a total lack of empathy, so will not begin to understand for a minute why we want to handle things in a slightly more subtle way than she will.
I also know that this sounds a bit ridiculous, but I worry that by getting pregnant at the same time, she is going to take away our luck. I feel it with my other friends who are pregnant, but nowhere near to the same extent. Everything always just works out for her and she lands on her feet without ever having to use any energy or put anyone else first. I just worry that, if things are to go wrong for one of the pregnant people, we’ll be the ones it happens to.
Deep down I know that’s silly, but infertility and pregnancy after infertility mean you can just never ever relax in the way that the Ooops Brigade can.