Nothing too exciting to post, but it’s been a few weeks and I feel like I have got behind with everyone’s posts.
Just giving a little update from my corner of the internet as I am as sick as a dog today. (Not really sure where that phrase comes from, or why “as a dog” is a measure of sickness. Mental note: must google later.)
It’s nothing serious at all and, as I have said before, I will never complain about anything pregnancy-related as I am such a privileged position. I am simply exhausted and woke up today feeling so lethargic and with the worst sore head and throat ever (like, genuinely. Nobody could ever have felt this bad before. Poor me). Last night I had a big family event which meant I didn’t get to sleep until MIDNIGHT. Outrageous. What sort of time is that? 🙂 Even by the time we got to the restaurant (8pm) I was starting to lag. I really don’t know how the hell I used to go out partying until 4am?
Luckily I haven’t been too poorly so far. My only real constant symptoms have been INSANE tiredness and a NEED to constantly eat (as in, I feel like I will vomit if I haven’t eaten in the past two hours). Perhaps the latter is purely because, given any excuse, I am secretly a massive over-eater. Pregnancy (said in a whisper as I still don’t feel part of THAT club) is perhaps giving me an excuse to let loose my inner fatty.
Sadly the tiredness is pretty all-consuming and I am finding it difficult to do anything. Exercise has totally gone out of the window. Plans to see friends have been cancelled. Even dragging my fat bum upstairs to log on to this wonderful little online community seems like a huge task. I have become a total sloth!
This still all feels very weird and as though I’m an imposter and sometime soon I will be caught out. We have now had two reassurance scans and things seem to be progressing well. We have been told that I am actually slightly further along than the date suggested by my LMP, so as of today I am 9+4.
I know after these scans I should take comfort, but it just seems too foolish to let myself relax and get comfortable. So many of you have experienced the worst when you were further along than me. Also, I am part of a little “real life” (although we have never actually met) group of five girls who met on Mumsnet (on the brilliant and usually hilarious “Infertility” board, not all the other “baby dust” type boards). Two of them finally got pregnant and were a few weeks ahead of me. Sadly one of them had a scan at 10 weeks about a week ago and found that her baby had stopped growing. She had even had a scan at 8.5 weeks and it had been super healthy and with a great heartbeat. It is just unbelievable and I am devastated that she is having to go through this! Life is just so incredibly cruel sometimes.
So I am trying to stay positive and I am trying to enjoy my pregnancy, but I am finding it a little hard to really relax. That said, although I am constantly anxious and feel like hell, this is a million times better than the pure despair of the past few years. If things work out, I will genuinely never ever forget the hell (and I mean “hell”) of infertility. I just need to keep taking each day as it comes, which is not in my nature at all. I am a planner and I like to envisage the potential obstacles and work out how I’m going to avoid them or at least get round them. With pregnancy I cannot do this. Everything is out of my hands and I hate it, because this is the most important thing that has ever happened to me so I feel I should be able to control it.
But I am pregnant. Finally. That is all I have wanted for such a long time and I will never ever stop being grateful for that.