So apparently I’m 5 weeks and 6 days today, based on my last period. I don’t really know how the whole pregnancy dating thing works! I don’t know many things about pregnancy as I’ve never come close to getting this far. Ask me anything about infertility and the various processes and options…but beyond knowing what to eat/what not to eat, and that you get fat, and then hopefully 8/9 months later a baby pops out, I just don’t know anything at all about pregnancy.
I have been trying not to think too much about it for fear of this all being snatched away from us, but of course it isn’t really possible to completely switch off. Generally, I have been quite good at stopping myself from getting too carried away, but it’s so hard when you’ve been given a little bit of hope and you just want to FINALLY be excited. Over the past week I have clicked on certain “baby” websites to get an idea about what we may need early on (and, of course, how we would do the baby’s room and maternity dresses that would be work-appropriate). As soon as I have started looking though, I have pulled myself away. I know the way I act now will have no bearing on the eventual outcome, but I just feel I need to protect both of us as much as possible because the happier we get the bigger the crush will be if things go wrong.
But it’s pretty much impossible to not think about things and to prevent myself from dreaming.
Things being well, our baby is about the size of a pomegranate. That’s crazy! We know the EDD and we have picked both a girl’s name and a boy’s name. Whatever happens, this baby is very very real to us.
We have booked to go for a private scan in just over a week, when I’ll be exactly 7 weeks gone. I don’t know if we’re doing the right thing or the wrong thing going for one this early, but I feel like we need to know as much as we can as soon as we can.
I seem to have had some pretty bad symptoms already. While I haven’t been sick (yet), I have periods of extreme nausea and I am unbelievably tired most of the time. Other days I simply cannot stop eating! A few days ago I must have eaten over 4,000 cals in a single day and I was ravenous the whole time. Perhaps it’s just my inner fatty being allowed to act out? Unbelievably I have already gained 3/4 lbs, which is total madness. Part of me is horrified, but then part of me just doesn’t give a sh*t about anything as long as our baby is safe.
On the work front I have had a very difficult week. I have been leaving around 5:30pm/6pm and it has really not gone down well. Considering I get in early (pre-8am) and I have an extremely long daily commute, this is pretty sh*tty of my bosses (notwithstanding the fact that I’m pregnant, which they don’t know about yet). The whole thing has just made it crystal clear to me that I will NOT be able to continue in the job if I’m lucky enough to have a child. They expect The Job and The Firm to be my entire life, and to slot anything else I may want around that (and if it can’t be slotted in around The Job, it should be cancelled or abandoned without question). For all that I want to be a working mum, I will never be prepared to put any job ahead of my family.
The whole thing just makes me so angry. It’s not that I particularly LOVE my job, at times it is horrific, but I worked UNBELIEVABLY HARD to get there and sacrificed so much of my twenties when I could have been out having the time of my life. When I started working in this profession I worked relentlessly and built up a good reputation. For years I worked 14 hour days (and when things were busy, 20-24hr days, I sh*t you not). I have worked many weekends and I haven’t had a single holiday where I haven’t needed to respond to something or other on my blackberry. Over the past year, however, I have had a lot of struggles (infertility; extreme commute etc) and they have been so unforgiving about me taking the foot off the pedal for a short amount of time in order to sort my health and my future out. It is not like I have been signed off work, or I have been coming in at 10am and leaving at 4pm, but I have put my foot down about working through the night just because and have generally managed to get home pre-9pm. What frustrates me (to put it mildly), is should I choose to leave (or more accurately: when I choose to leave) they won’t say “She was a great [professional], I wonder what we did that made her want to leave or if there was something else we could have done to make her stay?” they will simply say “Typical woman. All she cared about was having babies and she couldn’t hack the job.”
Anyway, I need to stop caring about work. I don’t know how, when I work in the environment that I do, but worrying about whether people think I’m slipping behind, or whether I may lose my job soon, simply cannot be my priority right now.
[Growls and gives focussed b*tchy death stare to you all.]