Ermmm. I don’t know how to say this…and I don’t quite dare actually say it aloud…but I may be pregnant.
I can’t believe I am even writing this. I had given up all hope of ever being able to say this.
Last Sunday (Valentine’s Day) my BIL and SIL brought their newborn over. It was the first time I had met my niece and while I was really excited, I was also really nervous that I would get upset or be awkward or do something to ruin the moment. I knew they would understand, as they had years of infertility and miscarriages so they get it, but I’ve been trying hard to “get a grip”. I had a nice long chat with my SIL, who asked how I was feeling and whether I felt better for pursuing IVF abroad. I said that, to be honest, I was just sick to death of it all and could no longer visualise our “happy ending”.
Anyway, we had a nice afternoon and I managed to avoid having a meltdown! Yay – go me!
They left early evening and BT and I settled down to enjoy Valentine’s Day together. For us that meant sitting on the sofa, in our PJs watching a film (to my tired mind, that is bliss!). We haven’t been out in a long time, as we’re saving for IVF and our next holiday, so we try and do fun free things!
Also, I had been feeling a bit off for the past few days (you know where this is going…). It was nothing major, but I had had a bit of an upset stomach for a few days and wasn’t feeling particularly sprightly.
I didn’t really pay much attention to the stomach issues. It had been quite a stressful week as I had returned to work following our holiday and had been totally bombed with work. On top of that, my dog (technically the family dog – he lives with my parents) had been really poorly. The day before I returned to work (coincidentally my birthday) we had a call from the kennels where he was staying for four days while my parents were away. They said that he had been sick and that there was blood in his sick. Naturally we rushed straight over to pick him up and take him to the vets. To cut a long, horrible story short, he is extremely poorly (he has a large tumour in his tummy) and the vet said that it ultimately isn’t good news. She gave him some steroids and other medication which temporarily alleviated his sickness, but ultimately he is really not very well. He seemed so sad and it seemed cruel to send him back to the kennels even though he usually to LOVES going there because he gets lots of walks and attention! Poor old waggy tail!
Naturally I played the birthday card and gave BT my best puppy-dog-eyes and convinced him that he should come and stay with us for the following few days (a decision I don’t regret for a second, even though he did have four bouts of explosive diarrhoea on one day alone…all over the kitchen floor in our brand new house!!!).
So, as I mentioned, I had had a stomach upset for a few days. This is nothing unusual for me. I have had bad stomach issues for years and have had two operations (one of the many down-sides of having an eating disorder for many years. Well played FlatWhite). I didn’t really think anything of it, but for the few fleeting moments I thought it could be a sign, I instantly ruled it out as:
- my cr*p bowels;
- having caught something on holiday;
- the stress of work;
- the stress of seeing poor waggy tail so depressed and suffering;
- having caught something while cleaning up copious amounts of dog sh*t (I know, I know); and
- a sign of the imminent arrival of The Bitch.
I had a brief moment, while watching the film (funnily enough “Miss You Already”, which touches upon infertility. Obsessed? Me?) where I thought “I’m CD28 and I haven’t had any spot or smear…that’s a day late for me”. I instantly shut the crazy up though, as I have had plenty of 28/29 day cycles and have even had times when my period came a week or so late (total heartbreak).
As I knew I would start to obsess from this point, I made a mental note to pack a pregnancy test in my overnight bag (I was staying near work the following night as it was going to be a late one) and do a test on the Tuesday morning if my period still hadn’t come. When the film finished, I popped upstairs to pack my bag and get my stuff ready for the next day and night. I grabbed the test and then I don’t know what came over me, I just thought “May as well rule it out so I can get some sleep and don’t start obsessing”. So just like that, I went and did the test…wandered off to go and pack my bag…la la la “oh sh*t…better go and bin that test rather than leave it on the side to depress BT…oh, it has two lines…is that what happens when it’s faulty? I’ve not seen that before. Wait…doesn’t that mean??? No it CAN’T…don’t be daft…you will have done it wrong or something is up with the test…go check the ‘use-by date’…hmmm…still in date…should I tell BT or just bin it and try again in the morning/Tuesday morning?!”.
I stood for about 5 minutes staring at it, completely shaking. I took it downstairs to show BT (“Erm…happy Valentine’s Day…I know we said we wouldn’t get each other anything, but I thought you might like this?”) and he also could not believe it. We decided to go up and do a few more tests to make sure. After an anxious few minutes they both came back as positive! OH MY GOD.
So here I am. Officially 4+6 and absolutely terrified. I am so scared that it will turn out to be a blighted ovum, or an ectopic or I’ll miscarry in some other way. I just don’t dare let myself hope that this can work out. We both want this more than anything and have tried so long to make it happen.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS WORK OUT.