I am SO EXCITED! Only a few more days and then we’ll be jetting off on holiday to the Caribbean.
This holiday really couldn’t come at a better time. 2015 was a year of total hell and there were times I really couldn’t face even getting out of bed, or putting make up on or going to work (for the record I always managed to do two out of three of those things. Who needs make-up anyway when you haven’t slept for days and have an acne breakout?!). Infertility is an absolute b*tch.
But in 2016 I am trying to be a bit more positive. Ok, maybe not “more positive”. In some ways it would be helpful to lose all hope and positivity and to give up on the idea of having a family! More accurately, I’m trying to have other things in my life besides infertility and am trying to have little things to look forward to and to keep me going. It’s definitely not easy, and unfortunately a lot of the things which make me happy are very expensive (i.e. holidays, holidays and more holidays!).
So here we are. A few days away from going to this place:
I honestly can’t wait. It will be so nice to switch off from the world and just bury myself in a load of books for 10 days. Ok, so a lot of those books may be about fertility, but it’s still nicer reader them by the pool than googling “chances of getting pregnant if no BFP in two years” at 4am!
Although he is also very excited about this holiday, BT disagrees with spending money on nice holidays and any luxuries right now. To clarify these “luxuries” don’t just include holidays and other fun-but-essentially-expensive-and-pointless things I like to do from time to time (e.g. getting my nails done, having my hair cut and dyed etc) but also things like, you know, having a working car or occasionally buying a new work dress as my current (very limited) collection’s falling to pieces, or buying a new pair of jeans because my current ones (which are older than our relationship) have holes in them!!! BT thinks we should be saving everything for IVF cycles. (We also have a very expensive mortgage, but I’ll ignore that one for the moment…)
On the whole, I completely agree with BT. I want a baby (or child) more than almost anything on the planet and agree we should be making sacrifices so that we can afford private treatment sooner rather than later. But we have already cut out quite a lot. We rarely go out to restaurants/the cinema/concerts/shows, neither of us have had a drink in 2016, I take packed-lunches to work rather than buying nice lunches etc. There comes a point where we need to have a little fun or let our hair down or we will go mad!
Also my self-confidence is at an all time low and I need to be more pro-active in doing what I can to improve that. I know throwing money at the problem wouldn’t really help (unless you’re talking plastic surgery, ha ha!), but it would be nice to buy a few treats to cheer myself up!
Firstly, I need to lose weight. I am not medically overweight, but my BMI is in the top few lbs of the ‘healthy’ range (and for one day, I was actually in the ‘overweight’ section). I know BMI is a pretty poor indicator of weight and health, but I still don’t really feel comfortable being at the top of the scale!
Secondly, I need to sort my skin out. For the past 5 years or so it has suddenly gotten really bad. I saw a doctor a few years ago who said it was hormonal and put me on some tablets which temporarily sorted it out, but then you HAVE to be off those tablets if you’re TTC as they’re potentially damaging to babies. I know there are certain things I could be doing better (much less sugar, getting outdoors more), and certain things I should be doing but that are out of my control (more sleep and less stress!), but even when I’m having “good” times in this regard my skin is still pretty bloody awful. I also ALWAYS look exhausted. I don’t know whether treatments such as laser treatment would do any good, or whether they’re a load of expensive bullsh*t, but ultimately we don’t have the money to afford it any time soon, so there’s no reason I should really thoroughly look into it.
Thirdly, I look like a total tramp. My clothes are all old and baggy (deliberately baggy: clingy clothes on my thighs, arse and belly = URGHHHH) and I cannot remember the last time someone complimented me on my appearance (I don’t mean in a “OMG you’re gorgeous” way, but it would be nice if someone other than BT told me once in a while that they liked my dress/hair/make-up or that I looked vaguely ok!).
So yes, I need to sort it out. I’m sick of feeling self-conscious when I go out in public or not meeting up with old friends because I’m scared they’ll judge me for the weight I’ve put on. (As an aside, I hate that about society. I hate it when I hear people say things like “Have you seen how much weight x has put on?” or something similar. You never know what someone else is currently going through. Also, what is it to you? If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything at all!).
So I’m feeling a little bit low pre-holiday and don’t really feel like hanging around in a bikini or even a swimming costume. I know it is 100% my own fault, but when I started gaining weight I though “F*ck it, I’ll be pregnant soon so I’ll just lose all the weight when the baby’s born”. Then when that clearly wasn’t going to happen I thought “F*ck it, I’ll gain a load of weight when we do IVF so what’s the point in losing it now”. But the fact of the matter is these are just excuses. Society loves the whole “I’m proud of my body and my ‘mum-tum’ because it gave birth to [insert number] of children”, but what excuses do people understand for those of us who are struggling with infertility? People don’t understand the whole “My period has come once again so my plans for the next week involve staying in my pyjamas and eating family sized bars of chocolate for a week”.
So anyway, in an effort to feel a bit better this week, my plan for today is to:
- do some work so I’m not working until 2am every night in the run up to going away;
- drinks lots of water and eat lots of veg;
- eat some “good” protein (yuck);
- go for a run;
- wash my hair and do a face mask;
- floss my teeth; and
- paint my nails with some old cheap nail polish!
All in all that shouldn’t cost more than £5 or so. Bargain!