Ok, so I’m a little bit premature given that it’s 30th December 2015, but I really can’t wait for this year to end!
I don’t know why I feel like things will magically be different on 1st January 2016, but I do feel a small amount of optimism if only because we’ll be a year closer to getting our family, whatever way that may be.
2015 has been extremely difficult for me and BT, but it has taught me a few things and has changed me in many ways. Primarily:
- I don’t care about my career as much as I thought I did. Don’t hate me, but I always rolled my eyes a bit at stay-at-home mums and women who’d worked hard to get careers then gave them up as soon as children came along. Ok, so I’m never going to list my occupation as “full time mummy” (vomit) but if I now had to make a decision between either having children or having a career I wouldn’t hesitate to pick the children. If we go down the adoption route, then there’s a high chance I may be required to give up my career and possibly not work at all for a few years, especially if any child has particularly bad emotional or physical problems.
- Although it tears me up every day that I don’t have children, I am much more appreciative for what I do have. I have a lovely husband, a healthy family who have been very supportive since finding out about our infertility struggles, a job which pays the bills and allows us to own a nice house in a nice area, we get to go on at least one holiday a year (and sometimes two!) and above all
(Joking. Not joking)we’ve got two wonderful kittens/cats who make me laugh and smile every single day! There are so many people that don’t have any of that. There are also so many people who just want basic human rights such as clean water, food and safety! It’s difficult to remember that at times, but as the saying goes “what you take for granted may be what someone else is dreaming of”.
- I am hopefully a more considerate person, especially when it comes to pregnancy/children or the lack thereof. I have never been a huge motor mouth, but I know in a former life I uttered comments such as “do you think you’ll have children?” or “have you thought about adoption?”. Ok, so these aren’t as terrible as many of the things I have been told over the past few years, but I still feel quite ashamed at how ignorant I was. We live and learn though.
I have also ‘met’ some wonderful people through these blogs and on online forums. I am so thankful to now have such supportive and caring people in my life.
So I’m trying to make 2016 a happier year than 2015 was. I’m not naive and I think there will be some incredibly low points in 2015 (for example, the chances of our IVF working first time will be very low and I’ll undoubtedly be devastated if, as is very likely, it fails). I do however want to do as much as I possibly can, within my control, to try and have some happier times.
Firstly, I’m determined to get healthier. I will never look like a model, run a marathon or appear on the cover of ‘Women’s Fitness’, but I can improve my self-confidence by losing some weight, toning up and getting a bit fitter. This will only be a good thing for both my mental and physical wellbeing. The only downside with this plan is that IVF may cause me to balloon…oh well, I may as well try though!
Secondly, I’m going to be better with my money. To be honest, I’m pretty good now (I rarely buy clothes, go out drinking/clubbing or go to restaurants) but I do waste money on daily Starbucks and occasionally buy expensive sandwiches for lunch or ready meals for dinner (which also doesn’t help the diet and fitness!). If I only cut back by two Starbucks coffees and one expensive sandwich a week, I’ll save £10 a week and over £500 a year! That’s 1/12th of an IVF round right there (although admittedly the coffee and sandwiches are much more enjoyable!).
Thirdly, I’m going to plan more fun things for me and BT to look forward to. 2015 was filled with spending all our time and money on other people, which I don’t resent or regret for a moment, but it did mean that we really didn’t get to do anything we wanted to do or that we could look forward to. Although it may cost quite a bit of money, I want us to do things we find relaxing like having spa days or going walking in the countryside (I know that makes me sound very middle aged!).
Above all, I want to plan an amazing holiday that we can really look forward to! It wouldn’t be until 2017, as we just couldn’t afford it before then, but I’d love to have something exciting in the back of our minds so that if TTC and IVF don’t work out this year we’ve got a reason to keep going (that sounds very melodramatic, perhaps it would be better just to say “a really really really exciting thing to look forward to!”). I’m thinking somewhere like The Maldives, The Seychelles, Mauritius or even Bora Bora (although I think that will just be too far and too expensive. One day maybe!). Just somewhere we we can relax, switch off, read loads and just get away from it all.
Anyway, for now, I just want to wish everyone a Happy 2016 and say that I hope it will be a good year for you all!