Goodbye 2015

To say I’m pleased to see the back of 2015 is an understatement! It has been a truly awful year.  This post is a bit of a rant and outpouring of negativity, so I promise that ‘Hello 2016’ (which I have yet to write) will be a little bit more upbeat!

January saw us lose my Granddad.  He was the last of my grandparents and had been going downhill for the past two years when he fell and broke his hip and ended up in hospital.  As any doctor will tell you, when the elderly suffer these sorts of injuries it’s extremely unlikely that they will ever make it out of the hospital let alone make a full recovery.  The irony was that he was only walking about that day because we (his family, the nurses and doctors) had been nagging him that he needed to try and stay as active as possible and eat and drink as much as he could as he was going for days without eating or drinking anything.  As a spur of the moment decision, he got out of bed (which must have been a huge struggle for him, given that at over 6 foot tall he weighed about 8 stone!) and walked over to his little fridge and bent down to get a drink, came over feeling light headed and fell and broke his hip.  It’s just so unbelievably sad, but I’m trying to remember the positives: that all my grandparents lived long enough to (a) meet their grandchildren and (b) see them grow up to be teenagers or adults; that they all married the loves of their lives and managed to have children; that they all had reasonable levels of comfort; and that they all had families who did as much as they could for them and loved them dearly.  Many people don’t get that.

The next few months were difficult as the pressure of TTC and infertility really started to get to me.  The late night google searches and the stress of my period coming every month really started to affect me.
We also had a huge falling out with my brother and (now) sister in law which really affected my mental health and triggered the latest cycle of depression, as growing up I had counted my brother as my best friend and we had always been really close.  It was unbearable falling out with him.  A few things upset me on the day of their wedding itself, so I was feeling a bit emotional anyway, but then my period came.  Although I never got a positive pregnancy test, my period was a few days late (unheard of at that point) and I had some really strong “symptoms”, so had convinced myself that I was FINALLY pregnant.  We were just starting to get a little bit excited and do the obligatory google search to find out when, theoretically, said baby would be born when my period came and shattered that excitement.  Typically it arrived on the morning of their wedding, when I was trying to be as chirpy and upbeat as possible! I was beyond devastated.  What was particularly hard was that so many people had seen me not drink the night before and go to bed early, so several people asked if I was pregnant! Talk about painful.

Not long after the wedding I started going to the GP and discussing various symptoms I had, the biggest of course being my inability to get pregnant!. To cut a VERY long, drawn out, stressful story short, the GP and the gynaecologist thought I probably had endometriosis.  Obviously I then spent the next few months googling everything to do with endometriosis and the chances of getting pregnant and managed to get myself into quite a state! When I eventually had the laparoscopy, it was thankfully clear and I didn’t have any sign of endometriosis.  This was AMAZING news and I am so grateful, but it does mean that they therefore couldn’t find something to ‘fix’.  I was made to feel like a bit of a time waster and told to go away, with the gynae saying to me “I am confident that you will get pregnant within the next 9 months”.  Well, we’re nearly at that deadline and we still haven’t had a positive test! I’d also add that I still suffer from many of the symptoms that took me to the gynae in the first place (painful periods, pain having sex and a whole load of other unglamorous symptoms!).

Shortly after the surgery we started to look into selling our house and moving to another area.  We had been paying our mortgage and I was also having to rent a flat in the city I worked in, so we were basically p*ssing money down the drain for no reason.  On leaving my flat, as I was still recovering from surgery, both my husband and dad travelled three hours to help me get the flat spotless so that I wouldn’t be charged a fee to have it cleaned.  We put in so much effort and got the flat much cleaner than when I originally moved in.  Anyway, the rental company claimed I had left it dirty and charged me several hundred pounds to get it “professionally cleaned”.  I raised a complaint with the Tenancy Deposit Scheme who never got back to me (but did send me an email several months later saying they “hoped I was happy with the outcome”!).  It just makes me so angry because me and my husband work every hour under the sun, then these lying fraudulent b*stards STEAL our hard-earned money.  Unfortunately we’re totally powerless to do anything.

Following the stress of that, we then embarked on the nightmare of moving house.  I cannot begin to describe how stressful it was.  Everybody in the process was incompetent so it fell on me to sort everything out (not ideal when you’re recovering from surgery, suffering from depression and infertility, commuting 4 hours a day and working a minimum of 12 hours a day and often much more!).  After a horrendous six months of having something go wrong every week, we eventually moved into our new home a few weeks ago.

Throughout the six months of the stressful house move, we also found out that BT’s salary may be heavily reduced (we’re not sure by how much, but it’ll be around 30-40%).  I will write a full post on this one day, as there’s so much to say, but for now I will just add that it is incredibly unfair given that my husband works in an incredibly stressful job with a lot of responsibility and long hours and earns a lot less than people in other high pressured jobs (think: CEOs, management teams, bankers, partners in law & accountancy firms etc).  It also means that there’s going to be a lot of pressure on us in the future as, if the cuts go through, we’ll struggle to pay our current mortgage and afford the “luxuries” in life such as IVF (joke).  I guess all we can do now is save as much as we can wherever we can, but again I’ll write another post on that later!

The end of the year saw us finally get some basic fertility tests.  I’ve blogged about this before, but essentially I have low progesterone and my eggs aren’t outstanding and we’ve also found out that BT has low count and poor morphology.  The upshot is that we’ll be starting our first round of IVF in the next few months.  I will write about this more, as and when it happens, but for now I will just say that I’m very excited and absolutely terrified.

Anyway, on that note it is time to say goodbye to miserable 2015 and hopefully 2016 will be better!

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