Jealousy

I’ll cut to the ending first: our friends are pregnant.

I know I can never say this in real life, but I am so unbelievably jealous and feel so resentful towards them.  It’s not that I want anyone to suffer in this way, but why does it have to be SO DAMN EASY for everyone else but seemingly IMPOSSIBLE for us.

So our friends got married at the end of September.  At the wedding they were very vocal about wanting a “honeymoon baby” and how they’d be starting their family soon.  Although I didn’t voice it at the time, I was so angry that they had the arrogance to be so sure that they could and would have a family soon.  Even before we started trying, I would never have talked about our plans in such a cavalier way as I understood that nothing in life is guaranteed.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I would never want anyone else to go through what we’re going through.  I wouldn’t even want them to go through half of what we’ve gone through so far! But did they really have to fall pregnant so easily on what was probably (making massive assumptions) their very first “go”? It just all seems so unfair.

I had already guessed what had happened from a not-so-subtle Facebook post, but it was confirmed yesterday by a massive group message.  It just stings so much that we have wanted this for years without any success.  We have put in so much time, effort, heartache and (particularly once the IVF cycles start happening) money.  We have been through so much and feel so low and still have nothing to show for it.  But then our friends come along and the moment they decide they want this, they get it so easily.

They just have no concept of the heartache of trying month after month and the terror that it may NEVER happen.  As they send their ‘cutesy’ messages and brag (understandably) about how excited they are and expect this outpouring of excitement from us (which we will fake), I genuinely don’t think that it will have crossed their minds that their news is killing us and that I cried from sheer despair when I got their message.  How can they understand what we’re going through when it’s come so easily to them? They’ve never had the heartache of feeling symptoms then your period coming or a BFN, or the stress of trying to make sure you’re both in the right place at the right time to “do the deed” or the endless sleepless night spent googling everything “fertility”and losing all hope.

I know nobody outside the infertility and long-term-TTC club will understand and they would probably all be horrified about how resentful I feel, but couldn’t we please just have a little bit of their luck?!

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4 thoughts on “Jealousy

  1. I so know this all too well. What makes everything feel worse is you feel bad for being jealous. But oh my gosh of course you feel this way. It is so unfair and such a glaring reminder that others get so easily what we would give anything for. I will say this though. The ladies I know that got pregnant super easy seem to often be less full of gratitude for being a Mom. Not that they aren’t good parents but they seem to stress over small stuff and enjoy it a little less. Just my observation. I am so sorry for this pain you are going through and just hope this hell is over for you soon. Only consolation is when you are on the other side you will also have the gift of compassion and empathy and gratitude from this journey. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Mama. You’re always so kind and supportive and I always agree with what you say! I know what you mean about the mums that have it so easy: I often see Facebook posts from friends who’ve had several kids easily and the amount they complain is disgraceful! I think if I had fallen pregnant easily, I too would have worried about the wrong things or not had full appreciation for just how lucky I was.

      You’re right that you feel guilty too. I feel ashamed that I can’t genuinely be happy for other people when it’s such an exciting time for them and I hate that I’ve turned into such a bitter, jealous person. If I’ve ever felt jealous over anything before (e.g. if someone’s thinner, smarter, more successful, friendlier etc) I’ve always thought “You can have that if you work for it. Decision’s yours.” But with this there is NOTHING we can do to change our fate.

      Although I wish things were different for you, it’s nice that I have people that really understand where I’m coming from. So thank you 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes. I’m totally feeling this today of all days. I worked really late and I totally resent the fact that the b**** at work who asked me if I was pregnant (after I’d lost the baby) is now visibly pregnant. After just getting back from mat leave. She’s also pretty much the most annoying person in the world. It feels so unfair. I’ve hidden all my pregnant friends on FB but I still can’t avoid all the babies at Christmas! It makes me want to scream and shout sometimes! I feel like I always have to be nice about it and just for once I’d like someone to be nice to me. Sorry to hear you are getting all this too. It sucks. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry to hear that. There’s really no justice is there. She sounds like an incredibly irritating woman with absolutely no sensitivity whatsoever. On the plus side, at least she’ll be out of the office for a year!

      I have also ‘unfollowed’ a load of pregnant friends/friends with kids. When I’m feeling brave I click on their profiles and ‘like’ things, but it’s nice not having it rammed down my throat 24/7!x x x

      Liked by 1 person

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