Infertility is shit. What makes it even more shit is that EVERYONE gets pregnant so quickly as soon as they want. EVERYWHERE I turn there are children and babies and women with non-food-baby-baby-bellies. It is so unbearably awful and there is nothing I can do and nothing I can say, because if I say anything then I will be “bitter” and “jealous” and a “terrible person” and nobody will begin to understand what hell this actually is.
At least when I’m in the office I can mostly ignore babies. It’s not the type of office where people regularly bring babies/toddlers in (although they do sometimes, but thankfully it’s quite easy to avoid said babies/toddlers). Sometimes it can be a bit shitty as one of the men in my team has three children and just LOVES to moan about how difficult his life is and how he never gets any sleep and can’t go out drinking etc. On the whole though, I’m generally able to avoid all things ‘baby’ at work.
Until last Thursday.
Late in the afternoon I decided to pop along to the ladies. In the ladies I bumped into my colleague who told me to come over and look at something. On the side by the wash basin somebody had left a [positive] pregnant test. WTAF? My colleague was in hysterics but I just grabbed the test and threw it in the bin without looking at it. I was later told by the colleague that the test (a) was positive (although I don’t know if that’s true); and (b) had been there since the morning.
I managed to laugh it off and do the whole “Omg that’s ridiculous” thing when all the girls in my team were laughing about it. The finger of suspicion quickly pointed at me though. I protested and said it wasn’t mine as I had been out drinking the night before with another colleague (true story), and then one of them told me that the secretaries have a list of approximately 5 people who they think it could be, and yours truly featured.
I genuinely do not know what goes through some people’s heads. Who the hell does a pregnancy test in the toilets at work? and more to the point, who leaves it on the side for everyone to see?
The whole thing has made me inexplicably angry. Here I am, desperate for a baby. I’ve had month after month of absolute hell. I’m waiting for an appointment at the Fertility Clinic where they will tell us whether it is even worth giving IVF a go or whether we have no hope. This last year in particular has been a living nightmare and I have struggled on a daily basis to keep it together; to turn up at work with a smile on my face and try to do a good job, despite the fact I have had no sleep the night before as I have been up googling everything under the sun and crying myself to sleep.
Then there’s somebody who cares so little about possibly being pregnant that they took a test at work rather than the privacy of their own home. Someone who cared so little that they just left the used test on the side. And that someone is quite possibly be pregnant? That someone quite possibly has just been given everything I have dreamt of for the past 2.5 years, and chances are they aren’t even bothered or may even be considering aborting this baby!
Are they bothered? Was this actually a ‘wanted’ baby and in their excitement they left the test on the side? Doubtful, because if it was wanted baby they’d have endured the TWW and the test would have been the first thing they did that morning before leaving the house.
Or was it an evaporation line? I don’t know much about these.
I don’t know. It’s none of my business. But the whole thing has made me very upset.