To say it has been a difficult few weeks is an understatement.
I don’t know why, but some months when I get a BFN or AF (Aunt Flo – vile phrase for so many reasons) comes, I am ok. I’m obviously not HAPPY, but I feel a sense of “Oh well, at least I can relax for a few weeks knowing I don’t have a baby inside me and can get off my tits drunk/eat blue cheese and sushi/go in the sauna/generally do whatever the hell I like*”. I try to justify why it might be a GOOD thing that I didn’t get pregnant that month (“Well I guess it’s an extra month’s salary we can save” blah blah blah).
Then there are the months when the arrival of AF or the BFN hits like a sledgehammer to the heart. This was one of those months.
For a year now I have been meticulously tracking my cycles, using both OPKs and temping to pinpoint if and when I ovulate. I have found that some months, although rare, I don’t ovulate at all. Some months I ovulate but incredibly late in my cycle (like, day 22/23 of a 28 day cycle when the norm is around day 14). Then some months I miraculously ovulate like a normal person between days 13-16. For the months when I don’t ovulate at all, or I ovulate too late in my cycle for anything to actually happen, I am beyond frustrated at the “wasted month” but at least I don’t get my hopes up. This means that there’s extra pressure when it’s a “good” month as I know I may not get another “good” month for a while.
This month, everything seemed to be perfect. I ovulated at a sensible time, we had lots of sex around ovulation time (both before and after), the sex was much better than it has been (for some reason, probably anxiety, sex can sometimes be incredibly painful for me. This was never a problem until a few years ago.) and we were much more RELAXED about the whole thing (because I keep being told that this is obviously the only reason I haven’t gotten pregnant. Thanks.).
Anyway, I had an excruciating two weeks where I felt every symptom under the sun. I have had this before and have learnt the hard way that it generally means absolutely nothing. But this month it really felt DIFFERENT. So this month, for the first time in a very long time, I allowed myself to HOPE.
Unfortunately it transpired that the pain I thought must be implantation, because it felt so different from my usual pre-AF ache, which went on for 4 days before AF appeared, was just a warning for the most painful period of my life (both physically and emotionally). Cue: eruption of hysterical tears and screaming and shouting and, quite literally, howling. This went on for 3 consecutive evenings. I don’t know how I managed to get up to go to work each day, put on a smile and work my arse of for 12 hours, then come home and spend until 2am in hysterics. I think the agony of it all is worse because you naturally feel quite low when it’s your “time of the month”. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, as I would not have wanted him to witness the craziness of his wife, as it would just make him so upset) I wasn’t with BT for any of those nights as I was away from home, alone.
Before all of this, I just had no idea how bloody horrific this whole process was. Sure, I could imagine how horrible it must be to be told you can’t have kids, or to have a miscarriage. But I never appreciated how you repeat these little cycles of hell, month in month out.
Cycle of hell:
CD1-3: Extreme sadness at the arrival of AF
CD4 – 10: Work-mode, as must get ahead with work/see friends/make most of the time when I don’t HAVE TO SHAG THIS MINUTE and don’t have to consider whether a baby is developing inside me.
CD10-20: Lots of shagging. Sometimes this is shagging in the early hours of the morning after I get home from the 12-16 hour day and 4 hour commute, or at 5:30am before I have to catch the train back to do the same. Often there is a real panic about whether I will make it home at all, as my job means that things can go from 0-60 in a matter of minutes, and I’m expected to drop everything and work through the night to get things done.
Whenever I ovulate – CD 27-29: Extreme tiredness. I am always so damn tired. Sometimes I get my hopes up and sometimes I’m good at preparing myself. But I am always a little anxious. When things get extremely stressful at work, I think “I wonder if my elevated stress levels right now will stop implantation happening”. I hate this time so much.
So now I’m into the next cycle of trying. I really don’t know how much longer I can go on with this. We’re being referred to a fertility clinic, but apparently that can take 6+ months before we can actually be seen. Even then, I’m not sure what they can actually do, as the chances with IVF are still incredibly low.
Oh well, I guess as hard as it is we have to keep trying as you just never know! I would hate to look back in 5/10/20 years time and think “If only we’d tried a few more months, maybe…”
I’m doing my very best to channel my inner Dory.
*For full disclosure, since I started TTC I have been incredibly boring and have only eaten Sushi…but it’s nice to know I CAN do these things should the opportunity present itself!